Posts Tagged ‘Self hate’

It’s on obvious well known fact I hold this deep hate for myself. I’ve felt it for so long it’s hard to remember a time it wasn’t there. As far as my mind will allow me to remember it was triggered on like a switch. However the intensity wasn’t sudden it built up more strongly & intensely as the years went on & the older I got. My theory is that the way in which I acted on my emotions fed this self hatred due to the guilt & embarrassment of my impulsive & more sustained behaviours. This was also intensified by the nature of my mind which thinks & over thinks then thinks some more in an exceptionally judgemental & self critical manner. As the thoughts intensified the hate got stronger & the hate made the thoughts more critical. It is a vicious circle that goes on & on. I still act on these emotions & the hate is still very much there in an in your face presence. My actions now breed a frustration too. As the years have gone on I have become accustomed to these actions & behaviours. Some awareness has undoubtedly been created yet I still feel unable at times to control them. I find it frustrating I am not changing these actions & behaviours as quickly as I like, if I am even changing them at all. I still feel that I am not in control at times. I know I should be but I can’t do it. All reason goes out of the window. I hate the feeling of being out of control which in turn creates more actions & behaviours which strengthen this self hate. The hate is always there, there is no escaping it but it becomes more & less bearable as my mood changes. A negative mood & sometimes I can’t bare to be in my own skin but when more positive it’s just another thing I have to deal with & I can push it away slightly. However essentially it’s always there. I feel like there’s no escape. Everything feeds into each other & the problem becomes complicated. How do I begin to work through it? If I am right then perhaps the first link in the chain is emotions. How do I manage those if I am naturally just that way. I could get into the whole nature nurture debate but I think it generally accepted that BPD is down to both. So naturally I am emotional. How do I go about fixing that if I was born this way? Say I could find a way to manage those, would years of all these hate inducing behaviours have damaged me beyond repair. Is my mind scarred? Have these actions & behaviours become so normalised & ingrained that there really is no hope of changing for the better? And yes I feel more hate for thinking these thoughts.

Advertisements