Posts Tagged ‘emotions’

It’s on obvious well known fact I hold this deep hate for myself. I’ve felt it for so long it’s hard to remember a time it wasn’t there. As far as my mind will allow me to remember it was triggered on like a switch. However the intensity wasn’t sudden it built up more strongly & intensely as the years went on & the older I got. My theory is that the way in which I acted on my emotions fed this self hatred due to the guilt & embarrassment of my impulsive & more sustained behaviours. This was also intensified by the nature of my mind which thinks & over thinks then thinks some more in an exceptionally judgemental & self critical manner. As the thoughts intensified the hate got stronger & the hate made the thoughts more critical. It is a vicious circle that goes on & on. I still act on these emotions & the hate is still very much there in an in your face presence. My actions now breed a frustration too. As the years have gone on I have become accustomed to these actions & behaviours. Some awareness has undoubtedly been created yet I still feel unable at times to control them. I find it frustrating I am not changing these actions & behaviours as quickly as I like, if I am even changing them at all. I still feel that I am not in control at times. I know I should be but I can’t do it. All reason goes out of the window. I hate the feeling of being out of control which in turn creates more actions & behaviours which strengthen this self hate. The hate is always there, there is no escaping it but it becomes more & less bearable as my mood changes. A negative mood & sometimes I can’t bare to be in my own skin but when more positive it’s just another thing I have to deal with & I can push it away slightly. However essentially it’s always there. I feel like there’s no escape. Everything feeds into each other & the problem becomes complicated. How do I begin to work through it? If I am right then perhaps the first link in the chain is emotions. How do I manage those if I am naturally just that way. I could get into the whole nature nurture debate but I think it generally accepted that BPD is down to both. So naturally I am emotional. How do I go about fixing that if I was born this way? Say I could find a way to manage those, would years of all these hate inducing behaviours have damaged me beyond repair. Is my mind scarred? Have these actions & behaviours become so normalised & ingrained that there really is no hope of changing for the better? And yes I feel more hate for thinking these thoughts.

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Self Medicating

Posted: January 26, 2013 in BPD, sadness, self medicating
Tags: , , , ,

I wake up, the shitness is still there. As the day continues the feelings & thoughts intensify. My head is messy & I feel emotional pain throughout my body. I become exceptionally needy & desperately hope somebody can make all this go away. Nobody can. Nobody ever will & I have no hope of ever managing to summon the ability to make this go away myself. I try & I fail. I turn to weed. It half helps & it half makes things worse. Before the weed I feel unsafe. I know that one way of trying to put a stop to all this badness is to turn to my razor blades or turn to alcohol. Weed is a safer option. The weed numbs the emotions & relaxes me physically but it intensifies my already speeding mind. The thoughts come in overwhelming waves of negativity & judgement. I get brief periods of anger but at the same time I am stoned & I don’t care. Periods of paranoia sweep over me & i become fearful of the world. i begin to have intense thoughts of being unable to deal with the world around me & the situations i have to face. i just want to live in this moment forever because tomorrow is another day i cannot face. I alternate quickly between intense thoughts of a self critical & self hating nature to ones of extreme amusement at the way in which my life has unfolded. My mind becomes messier, busier & more conflicting & chaotic but at least the emotions are numbed. Throughout all this there is a deep underlying sadness throughout that is clinging tightly to my existence. I think essentially that is what I am trying to kill but it seems indestructible. I sacrifice my mind in order to dull my emotions but the one emotion it refuses to relieve me from is this overpowering sadness. Nobody & nothing can take it away.