6 weeks, 3 admissions

Posted: March 10, 2013 in BPD, hospital, self harm
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So I’ve had 3 hospital admissions in the last 6 weeks. I’ve never had such frequent admissions. Its rather on the excessive side for even my own rather excessive standards. Usually they are a good few months apart. However these admissions have been different to my usual admissions being that they were informal rather than me being detained under the mental health act. Things haven’t been great since the beginning of the year. I’ve had desperate feelings of hopelessness & self hate that have become more intense than their usual presence. However I wouldn’t say throughout these past 2 months or so I’ve had a severe acute unwellness that has often caused my previous detentions under the mental health act. I’ve not been majorly unwell but I guess to a certain degree I have been unwell enough to warrant voluntary admissions to hospital. They’ve all occurred after periods of self harm. There’s something about recent times that has caused my self harm to become more frequent. Usually I only engage in quite serious self harm needing hospital treatment every couple of months, sometimes longer but recently it’s been every other week. Back in January one Monday night I self harmed. The police got involved which can make things so much worse. The police took me to A&E where I had over 30 staples put in my arms. I was then assessed by the mental health team who gave me the option of staying the night at my parents or being taken to the police cells to await a mental health act assessment. I chose to go to my parents. The next day I saw my cpn who offered me a voluntary admission. I declined even though I knew it was the right thing to do. I just couldn’t bring myself to agree to go into hospital as I’ve had negative experiences of hospital where I am usually detained under the mental health act. Later that night I self harmed again. I spoke to a nurse on the phone from the out of hours team who persuaded me to take myself to A&E & then go voluntary into hospital. I ended up on ward 18, one of the few wards in my area that I hadn’t previously been on. I didn’t like any of the wards I had previously been on but this ward was much nicer as were the staff. It was a much more bearable place to be & I managed to stay for 6 days before having enough & discharging myself. It was the first positive experience of hospital I’d ever really had & I told my cpn that in the future I’d agree to go in hospital again if needed as long as it was ward 18. About 2 & a half weeks later I self harmed again. The police were involved again & I was arrested under section 136. After treatment for my self harm in A&E I was taken to the 136 suite to be assessed under the mental health act. After the positive experience I agreed to go into hospital as there was a bed available on ward 18 & I avoided being sectioned. This time I’d had enough after 4 days & discharged myself. That was on the Monday & by Sunday I had self harmed again. The police were involved again & I was again arrested under section 136. This time however before A&E I was taken to the police cells & subjected to a strip search. That was a very unpleasant experience. Once at A&E I had 38 stitches before being taken once again to the 136 suite to be assessed under the mental health act. Again there was a bed on ward 18 so I agreed to go in voluntarily & avoided a section. The doctors who assessed me said I should stay longer this time due to all these recent admissions. So I thought that was the plan. On the 5th day I was getting towards feeling I wanted to go home but was prepared to stay as that was what I thought the plan was. However I went into ward round & was told I was getting discharged. This is the only time ever I’ve felt unhappy about being discharged from hospital. Normally it comes as a great relief. Well I guess I was more angry than unhappy. I wasn’t too bothered to be going home but angry I was being discharged if that makes sense. I thought the plan was to stay longer which I was trying to do. Another thing was what the consultant said in ward round. That if needed I could have another “crisis admission” like it was ok to keep having all these frequent admissions instead of me staying longer & attempting to sort things out for myself a bit better. So I came home quite pissed off, I had thoughts of harming myself quite seriously as a way of getting back at them. I knew that was stupid though & I was pretty drained so I never. However now I’ve resorted back to the never wanting to go back into hospital again, or more accurately unwilling to agree to go into hospital again. I don’t see the point in all honesty. I self harmed on the ward in all 3 admissions, although admittedly not as severely as I could do at home. I admit I feel safer on the ward & I take some comfort in that but at the same time I have the same thoughts to hurt myself & I do. Obviously I’m limited as to what I can do with being on the ward but its still possible to self harm to a lesser degree. I’m sure after my 3rd admission to ward 18 the staff are pretty fed up & annoyed at me too because despite agreeing to be there I don’t always work with them. I’m sure they see me as another attention seeking borderline. Oh well I don’t really care because I’m not going back into hospital anyway. This is my promise, I’ll never agree to be admitted to hospital ever again.


Self Harm

Posted: March 1, 2013 in BPD, self harm
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So as today is self harm awareness day I thought I’d write something about my own self harm. I started self harming when I was about 13 years old. Up until the age of 13 as far as I can recall I was a pretty average child. Then it was almost like a switch going off in my head, I suddenly became a child with many issues; behavioural, emotional & psychological. That’s how I remember it anyhow, but it probably wasn’t like that at all if I think about it logically. I was probably troubled much before I & others became aware of it. I think the tipping point between being an average child & being an emotionally disturbed child was when I first picked up that sharp object & cut myself. Weirdly I do not recall the first time I ever cut myself. I can’t remember the specific reasons why I decided to hurt myself. I really wish I did but for some reason I don’t remember. It was like one day I was an innocent child & the next I was in a very desperate world where I felt the need to inflict harm upon myself. Things would never be the same again after that moment I first cut myself whenever that was. Of cause it started with a few scratch like cuts, I can’t remember what I first used to cut myself. I remember in my younger teenage years using anything really. A compass, a blade from a razor, glass, anything sharp I could get my hands on. I used to self harm mainly at home hiding in my bedroom but I did self harm at school too. I can’t really remember the frequency of my self harm either. It’s not just on the topic of self harm that I have a poor memory, I have very poor memories of anything that occurred in my childhood before I was about 15 years old. I remember the occasion when my mother found out I self harmed. Maybe I was about 15 years old but I’m not all too sure. I think I had self harmed the night before & I had used toilet tissue to clean the blood from my arm, I had then hid the bloodied tissue in the drawer next to my bed along with some razor blades. The next day my mother went in that drawer & found them. She then obviously put 2 & 2 together & realised I’d been cutting myself. She obviously wasn’t happy & probably not knowing how to respond got mad at me. That just made things worse. I was a very angry teenager & not only did I take that out on myself by cutting myself, I directed a lot of anger towards my parents too. School became aware at some point that I self harmed, I can’t recall how or when. I used to see the school nurse for counselling type sessions & remember discussing it with her. She was very nice & understanding but nothing helped enough for me being able to stop self harming. Once I started self harming at 13 I’ve never been able to stop. I continued self harming all throughout high school. They were never deep cuts & I never got significant scarring from them. Just a few faint lines upon my lower arms. When I moved onto college I still continued to self harm, it wasn’t all too frequent but I still did do it. By this time the cuts had got slightly deeper but still not overly bad. It wasn’t until I moved to university & where i struggled far much more emotionally & psychologically when my self harm got worse. I lasted less than 3 months at university before they asked me to leave due to me being to unwell to study due to repeated self harm amongst other things. I went back home & continued to self harm but it did calm down a bit in the months I was home. It was when I moved back to university the following September when my self harm became significantly worse. Up until this time I’d only had a few A&E admissions due to self harm but suddenly I was cutting deep & having frequent A&E visits for sutures. The first time I did it really bad was when I attempted to cut my wrist, not because I wanted to die but because I dared myself to see if I could do it. It was a very deep cut, one that exposed tendons etc in my wrist. I was exceptionally lucky not to have inflicted permanent damage to the movement within my hand. I went to A&E & was admitted to the plastic surgery unit. I had to have the wound investigated & sutured in theatre. However it still was only done under a local anaesthetic & I was awake throughout. I remember laying on the bed in theatre with silent tears rolling down my cheek. I felt so alone at that moment in time & was really upset that I could do this to myself. I still continued to self harm. Then approached a pivotal time in my life when I did the worst self harm I’ve ever done. There was lots of things going on at the time. The main thing being the attachment I had developed to my cpn & this overwhelming fear of abandonment that seemed to take over me. One night after talking to the crisis team on the phone & being exceptionally triggered by them I took it out very severely on my self. I went to A&E again for what now was a very frequent occurrence. Again I was admitted to the plastic surgery unit. From there I was admitted to psychiatric hospital for the first time, where to cut a long story short I remained for the next 2 years. While in hospital I started to burn myself with cigarettes due to the lack of sharp objects available. Burning is something I’ve never particularly liked doing, it’s always been cutting for me but at the time it was the only option & I still felt this need to hurt myself. Of cause whenever I got my hands on a sharp object I still cut myself, the need has never gone away & just because I was in hospital didn’t stop that need. However while in hospital when I did manage to cut myself it was always superficial & I’d get frustrated that I couldn’t do it properly, after all I’d got so used to inflicting quite serious damage to myself. When I got out of hospital after 2 years I went straight back to what I call “good self harm”. In the 15 months since my discharge from hospital I’ve had many admissions to A&E for self harm. It’s become something I can’t seem to control. After many years of doing it its become the norm of how I deal with things. It’s become so engrained in who I am & how I cope I don’t understand how I’ll ever stop. After years of doing it I have pretty severe scarring to both of my arms. It’s like a constant reminder of all the distress in my life. I often look down at my arms & I feel sad. Why did I do this to myself? How could I do this to myself? The scarring is something I’ll have to live with the rest of my life. As I said earlier I do not recall what lead me to first self harm. I do know why I still do it though, maybe it’s the same reason why I started, I do not know. I just feel the need to punish myself, I feel I am a bad person & I deserve to be damaged. I get angry & I take it out on myself. The deeper the better, the more damage the better. I seem to have this morbid fascination with my own blood too. I love to watch the blood flow from my arm. There’s something exceptionally satisfying with it. A lot of it is driven by this deep self hatred I feel. I feel I cannot escape that & therefore I’ll never escape this self harm. Part of me wants to stop, part of me doesn’t. I admit that quite often I enjoy self harming, I take pleasure from it. Now my arms are so significantly scarred I often think there’s no point in stopping. What’s the point when my arms are already so messed up? There’s no hiding or disguising the scars anymore. The damage is already done. I know this has all been focused on cutting, the form of self harm I prefer but I have also engaged in other forms of self harm. Overdosing, hitting myself & burning. But cutting is what I mostly do, the form I get most release from. I’ll always find one way or another to harm myself. It’s a very sad state of affairs but I just see no escape from it, I’ve been doing it throughout my whole teenage & adult life. I’m not defined by the fact I am a self harmer but it’s very much a part of who I have become


Posted: March 1, 2013 in BPD

Bpd. Borderline personality disorder. What kind of bullshit disorder is that? Is it even a real disorder? Or is it that I just don’t have bpd? I often flip between thinking that i definitely do not have bpd to thinking my thoughts & behaviours are very typically bpd. I just feel its a crap disorder. Maybe it’d be easier to accept & deal with if it was a real illness. It’s not that I want an illness it’s just that if I had a proper illness I could accept it as then I’d really know what abnormality of mind was & how it really felt to psychologically suffer. Bpd is not an illness, it’s a disorder. Or is it even a disorder at all? Or maybe it is & I just don’t have it? I just feel I am an incredibly weak & pathetic person who doesn’t seem to be able to deal with things that most people don’t even feel the need to deal with. Should that be clinicalised, should a label be placed on me for that reason? They say bpd is developed due to experiences as we are growing up & as our personalities are developing. I’d just like to add that I didn’t have a bad childhood & I suffered no trauma in childhood either. To me that says I have no reason to have developed this disorder, if indeed I have it at all. When I was in hospital they taught us the bio social theory of developing personality disorder. That is a biological predisposition to personality disorder but experiences in childhood triggered the onset of the disorder. For one minute lets accept the fact I do have bpd. Then for me it must be that I have a strong biological predisposition to the disorder given the fact nothing out of the ordinary occurred in my childhood. I would say I feel emotions pretty intensely at times & I do recall being somewhat of an emotional child growing up. It does lead me to believe that if there are stronger biological factors in the development of my bpd that there is less chance of recovery. However biological factors lean more towards the illness side of things rather than a disorder. I am not ill & it’s questionable that I have a disorder. It’s not that my brain chemicals are out of sorts or my brain is wired incorrectly giving symptoms of psychosis or mania. That’s illness, an organic cause. It’s more that I have disorganised & I guess disordered thought processes. But then again where do emotions come into this? There’s the thought processes & the emotions. Which comes first? or do they coexist together? Do emotions have a biological root or are they a merely a response to thought processes & patterns? That I do not know, perhaps it’s a mixture of the 2. I guess whatever the cause or the reasons behind it, it doesn’t make it easier to accept. I think I’ll always flip between acceptance & denial. Maybe the denial is another form of invalidation that I inflict upon myself. Invalidation being another key aspect in the theory of developing bpd. Self invalidation is something that’s become quite habitual & something I’ve become quite expert in in the last several years. I guess all I was trying to say was that despite theory & explanations to the cause of bpd it seems to be a poor disorder. Then there is the question of if I even have it at all?

The Scarred One

Posted: February 26, 2013 in BPD, poetry, self harm

A poem I’ve written about self harm

The ScarredOne

I hurt myself today
Sometimes it’s the only way
It’s not because I want to die
To say I do would be a lie
To punish myself I feel the need
So i cut me open & let me bleed
I drag the blade across my skin
An attempt to release the demons within
An open wound fills up with red
A release of all that remains unsaid
Crimson red, a gentle flow
The red it shines, a powerful glow
Enticing, I fixate & my eyes they glare
At the cause of relief from my inner despair
The cut provides relief like no other
But not for long so I do another
And now an addict to this self harm
Hundreds of scars upon my arm
But once the blood has dried & gone
Forever I’ll remain the scarred one


Posted: February 11, 2013 in Uncategorized
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I don’t hold much hope for the future. In an ideal world there are so many things I would love to do but it seems that these things are so unattainable. I feel stuck in a life I so desperately hate but I feel incompetent in taking positive steps towards a future that is more bearable. I feel hopeless & I feel helpless & that makes me scared for the future. What I fear the most is living a wasted life, being trapped in this way of life forever. Never accomplishing anything as I cannot shake the restraints that bound me to this unfulfilled & depressing life. A lot has happened that makes me fearful of taking even the tiniest of steps towards a better future. I feel I am too damaged as a person to ever make something positive of myself. My mind has taken a battering over the years & my confidence has been knocked so much that I’d say its non existent. Of cause I have hopes & dreams & would love nothing more than to achieve them but I am stuck in an hate provoking life & fear is blocking my every exit route. I get so frustrated with myself because I know there are things I should be doing to make a life for myself that is worth living but I get so scared I just push them away & avoid them. There’s constantly a battle going on in my head whether or not I should do these things & it wares me down & in the end it’s just easier to ignore them. That just breeds more of the hate I feel for myself which I guess in turn feeds the notion that I don’t deserve happiness. I feel I’ll never escape the life I have now, I feel I’ll be stuck this way forever. I wish I had hope & I wish I had the strength to change my current situation but I do not. It’s not so easy trying to move forward & I get angry at myself for not trying harder. I do try but perhaps not hard enough. I need strength but from where I will get this strength I do not know. At the moment I am weak & I so very much hate being weak but that is where I’ve found myself. I have never been strong but there was a time when I was much stronger than I am now. Gradually over the years of enduring the battles that take place within I’ve grown weaker & weaker. I don’t know how I am to reverse the process of becoming this helpless & weak individual. If things continue as they are then my biggest fear will become a reality, my life will be wasted. Time is ticking & I am still stuck. At this point in my life I am so drained I feel I’ll never become unstuck. Incapable of ever achieving more than a mere existence. To hope for better seems futile, maybe this is all I’ll ever accomplish, maybe there is no escape, maybe this is the only life I’ll ever have & maybe I should accept that. I want to be able to hope but the reality of my situation steals that hope from within me. This is my life as much as I hate it, maybe I should just accept that things will never be better. Maybe in time I’ll learn to be happy with a mere existence. Maybe the only chance of happiness is to accept things as they are as I seem to be incapable of achieving the means to a fulfilling, content & truly happy life.


Posted: February 1, 2013 in BPD, sadness
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I am unhappy. I would describe that unhappiness as a deep emotional pain. I have the general feeling of sadness but accompanying it is this over powering inner pain. I feel so unhappy within myself, with myself & with my life, it hurts. I don’t see a way out. Yes I am happy at times but essentially there is this unhappiness that I cannot escape from. It always comes back. I don’t think I can ever put a stop to it once & for all as it seems so persistent in its reoccurrence. I do get my brief periods of being happy, well I guess it’s more of an elation than a feeling of being happy but it does come as a welcome relief. Sometimes I can feel really good & I wish that feeling could last forever but it lasts only hours. Even if the unhappiness isn’t particularly over powering & painful like it is at the moment, the feeling of being unhappy is still there. Unhappiness takes over my thoughts, they are negative, hateful & critical. This in turn only seeks to fuel the unhappiness. How do I rid myself of this? How do I feel happy? I’ve been this way for so long I can’t ever imagine it getting better. I want to feel happy within myself, with myself & with my life. My life has always been shit one way or another. Whether its been with the extreme emotionality of an adolescent in school, to the pressures of university making me incredibly unwell, to the being in hospital for 2 years to the being spat out into the world with a mere existence rather than life. Life has always been shit. I know people have it worse but I can’t escape this immense dissatisfaction & unhappiness with life. I am so desperately unhappy not only with my life but myself too. I hate the way I think, feel & act. I hate myself in every way & yes hate is different from unhappiness but the hate creates an unhappiness too. It reinforces the feelings of unhappiness within myself. I guess the feelings of unhappiness within myself, with myself & with my life all feed into one another. Where does the cycle break? Will they continue to grow & expand? I don’t see an end to this. You may think that that is the thoughts of a hopeless depressed mind or is it actually realistic? There’s never been any signs of it getting better. I feel helpless & powerless & I hate that feeling. I’m not sure happiness is something I’ll ever achieve, things are too complex. I think I am too damaged. By what I’m not so sure but perhaps the constant little things have give my mind a battering. To seek the happiness seems futile, I’m perhaps incapable of feeling it & incompetent of living it. I will more than likely be trapped this way until the day I die.

It’s on obvious well known fact I hold this deep hate for myself. I’ve felt it for so long it’s hard to remember a time it wasn’t there. As far as my mind will allow me to remember it was triggered on like a switch. However the intensity wasn’t sudden it built up more strongly & intensely as the years went on & the older I got. My theory is that the way in which I acted on my emotions fed this self hatred due to the guilt & embarrassment of my impulsive & more sustained behaviours. This was also intensified by the nature of my mind which thinks & over thinks then thinks some more in an exceptionally judgemental & self critical manner. As the thoughts intensified the hate got stronger & the hate made the thoughts more critical. It is a vicious circle that goes on & on. I still act on these emotions & the hate is still very much there in an in your face presence. My actions now breed a frustration too. As the years have gone on I have become accustomed to these actions & behaviours. Some awareness has undoubtedly been created yet I still feel unable at times to control them. I find it frustrating I am not changing these actions & behaviours as quickly as I like, if I am even changing them at all. I still feel that I am not in control at times. I know I should be but I can’t do it. All reason goes out of the window. I hate the feeling of being out of control which in turn creates more actions & behaviours which strengthen this self hate. The hate is always there, there is no escaping it but it becomes more & less bearable as my mood changes. A negative mood & sometimes I can’t bare to be in my own skin but when more positive it’s just another thing I have to deal with & I can push it away slightly. However essentially it’s always there. I feel like there’s no escape. Everything feeds into each other & the problem becomes complicated. How do I begin to work through it? If I am right then perhaps the first link in the chain is emotions. How do I manage those if I am naturally just that way. I could get into the whole nature nurture debate but I think it generally accepted that BPD is down to both. So naturally I am emotional. How do I go about fixing that if I was born this way? Say I could find a way to manage those, would years of all these hate inducing behaviours have damaged me beyond repair. Is my mind scarred? Have these actions & behaviours become so normalised & ingrained that there really is no hope of changing for the better? And yes I feel more hate for thinking these thoughts.