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Posted: June 17, 2013 in Uncategorized

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Posted: February 11, 2013 in Uncategorized
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I don’t hold much hope for the future. In an ideal world there are so many things I would love to do but it seems that these things are so unattainable. I feel stuck in a life I so desperately hate but I feel incompetent in taking positive steps towards a future that is more bearable. I feel hopeless & I feel helpless & that makes me scared for the future. What I fear the most is living a wasted life, being trapped in this way of life forever. Never accomplishing anything as I cannot shake the restraints that bound me to this unfulfilled & depressing life. A lot has happened that makes me fearful of taking even the tiniest of steps towards a better future. I feel I am too damaged as a person to ever make something positive of myself. My mind has taken a battering over the years & my confidence has been knocked so much that I’d say its non existent. Of cause I have hopes & dreams & would love nothing more than to achieve them but I am stuck in an hate provoking life & fear is blocking my every exit route. I get so frustrated with myself because I know there are things I should be doing to make a life for myself that is worth living but I get so scared I just push them away & avoid them. There’s constantly a battle going on in my head whether or not I should do these things & it wares me down & in the end it’s just easier to ignore them. That just breeds more of the hate I feel for myself which I guess in turn feeds the notion that I don’t deserve happiness. I feel I’ll never escape the life I have now, I feel I’ll be stuck this way forever. I wish I had hope & I wish I had the strength to change my current situation but I do not. It’s not so easy trying to move forward & I get angry at myself for not trying harder. I do try but perhaps not hard enough. I need strength but from where I will get this strength I do not know. At the moment I am weak & I so very much hate being weak but that is where I’ve found myself. I have never been strong but there was a time when I was much stronger than I am now. Gradually over the years of enduring the battles that take place within I’ve grown weaker & weaker. I don’t know how I am to reverse the process of becoming this helpless & weak individual. If things continue as they are then my biggest fear will become a reality, my life will be wasted. Time is ticking & I am still stuck. At this point in my life I am so drained I feel I’ll never become unstuck. Incapable of ever achieving more than a mere existence. To hope for better seems futile, maybe this is all I’ll ever accomplish, maybe there is no escape, maybe this is the only life I’ll ever have & maybe I should accept that. I want to be able to hope but the reality of my situation steals that hope from within me. This is my life as much as I hate it, maybe I should just accept that things will never be better. Maybe in time I’ll learn to be happy with a mere existence. Maybe the only chance of happiness is to accept things as they are as I seem to be incapable of achieving the means to a fulfilling, content & truly happy life.


Posted: January 26, 2013 in Uncategorized

I blogged a while back & then stopped. I thought i’d give this blogging another go so i created this new one. Its basically just going to be about my thoughts, feelings and experiences of borderline personality disorder. This is my way of sharing and by that maybe others can relate and feel they are not on their own. But mainly this blog is about me expressing myself, of getting things out of my head and hoping in some way shape or form it can help. whether or not its read by nobody, few or many this is going to be my way of hopefully trying to help myself in a small way.