Archive for the ‘sadness’ Category


Posted: February 1, 2013 in BPD, sadness
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I am unhappy. I would describe that unhappiness as a deep emotional pain. I have the general feeling of sadness but accompanying it is this over powering inner pain. I feel so unhappy within myself, with myself & with my life, it hurts. I don’t see a way out. Yes I am happy at times but essentially there is this unhappiness that I cannot escape from. It always comes back. I don’t think I can ever put a stop to it once & for all as it seems so persistent in its reoccurrence. I do get my brief periods of being happy, well I guess it’s more of an elation than a feeling of being happy but it does come as a welcome relief. Sometimes I can feel really good & I wish that feeling could last forever but it lasts only hours. Even if the unhappiness isn’t particularly over powering & painful like it is at the moment, the feeling of being unhappy is still there. Unhappiness takes over my thoughts, they are negative, hateful & critical. This in turn only seeks to fuel the unhappiness. How do I rid myself of this? How do I feel happy? I’ve been this way for so long I can’t ever imagine it getting better. I want to feel happy within myself, with myself & with my life. My life has always been shit one way or another. Whether its been with the extreme emotionality of an adolescent in school, to the pressures of university making me incredibly unwell, to the being in hospital for 2 years to the being spat out into the world with a mere existence rather than life. Life has always been shit. I know people have it worse but I can’t escape this immense dissatisfaction & unhappiness with life. I am so desperately unhappy not only with my life but myself too. I hate the way I think, feel & act. I hate myself in every way & yes hate is different from unhappiness but the hate creates an unhappiness too. It reinforces the feelings of unhappiness within myself. I guess the feelings of unhappiness within myself, with myself & with my life all feed into one another. Where does the cycle break? Will they continue to grow & expand? I don’t see an end to this. You may think that that is the thoughts of a hopeless depressed mind or is it actually realistic? There’s never been any signs of it getting better. I feel helpless & powerless & I hate that feeling. I’m not sure happiness is something I’ll ever achieve, things are too complex. I think I am too damaged. By what I’m not so sure but perhaps the constant little things have give my mind a battering. To seek the happiness seems futile, I’m perhaps incapable of feeling it & incompetent of living it. I will more than likely be trapped this way until the day I die.


Self Medicating

Posted: January 26, 2013 in BPD, sadness, self medicating
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I wake up, the shitness is still there. As the day continues the feelings & thoughts intensify. My head is messy & I feel emotional pain throughout my body. I become exceptionally needy & desperately hope somebody can make all this go away. Nobody can. Nobody ever will & I have no hope of ever managing to summon the ability to make this go away myself. I try & I fail. I turn to weed. It half helps & it half makes things worse. Before the weed I feel unsafe. I know that one way of trying to put a stop to all this badness is to turn to my razor blades or turn to alcohol. Weed is a safer option. The weed numbs the emotions & relaxes me physically but it intensifies my already speeding mind. The thoughts come in overwhelming waves of negativity & judgement. I get brief periods of anger but at the same time I am stoned & I don’t care. Periods of paranoia sweep over me & i become fearful of the world. i begin to have intense thoughts of being unable to deal with the world around me & the situations i have to face. i just want to live in this moment forever because tomorrow is another day i cannot face. I alternate quickly between intense thoughts of a self critical & self hating nature to ones of extreme amusement at the way in which my life has unfolded. My mind becomes messier, busier & more conflicting & chaotic but at least the emotions are numbed. Throughout all this there is a deep underlying sadness throughout that is clinging tightly to my existence. I think essentially that is what I am trying to kill but it seems indestructible. I sacrifice my mind in order to dull my emotions but the one emotion it refuses to relieve me from is this overpowering sadness. Nobody & nothing can take it away.