Archive for May, 2013

Stability & happiness

Posted: May 29, 2013 in BPD
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It’s been a while since I last wrote a blog entry. Mainly because I’ve not had anything to write about. No issues have arisen recently & I’ve had nothing interesting to say or moan about. I’ve been pretty stable & boring for a good few weeks so don’t expect this entry to be interesting, it’ll probably be dull & boring. I really just wanted to write a little something to update you on what’s going on with me. As I said I’ve been stable for a good few weeks. It’s been over 6 weeks since my last hospital admission. So that’s definitely progress after being hospitalised nearly every week for a few months. I started off this year not in a good way at all, I hated my life so much & I felt so bad within myself. I was very unstable until mid April hence the repeated self harm & hospitalisations. Since my last hospitalisation things have got much better, my mood has improved, I haven’t self harmed, I’ve quit drinking alcohol & I feel much happier within myself. The way it seems to work for me is that I have a crisis, get hospitalised then have a period of stability for a good while. But this year I needed a good few hospitalisations before I got it out of my system & the admissions provided the relief that I needed. This year it was like one long crisis that lasted a few months & it was harder to find that relief I needed. Back when I was in hospital for those 2 years I had to hit ultimate rock bottom before I managed to get myself together & progress enough for discharge. After that rock bottom I quickly regained stability & I progressed quickly. It seems to be that the worse the crisis the better the stability after it is over. I don’t know if anyone else can relate to that but that’s how it seems to work for me. Like now, that lengthy crisis is over & I feel better within myself than I have done probably since the stability after rock bottom in hospital 2 years ago. Nothing has changed in my life, I’m still in the same situation I was in at the start of the year that caused me to be so desperately unhappy but the important thing is that I’m happy within myself. The happiness I’m feeling within myself is enabling me in sense to push away the external negatives in my life. I guess when you aren’t feeling great within yourself it’s easy to focus on the external negatives & that just exacerbates the inner emotions. You hurt inside so you hate outside & the hate for the outside reinforces the hurt on the inside. At the moment I don’t seem to be focusing on the negatives on the outside, what’s important is how I’m feeling on the inside. Perhaps this happiness is masking all the the crap on the outside. My life situation hasn’t changed from before & despite being happier & more positive I haven’t dealt with any of the things that need to be dealt with. I’m not even thinking about about dealing with things despite being in a better position to do so mentally & emotionally, I’m just enjoying feeling happier within myself for now. It’s not often I feel like this & I know it’s not going to last forever so I need to enjoy it while it lasts & that’s not me being negative, that’s just the conclusion made on evidence based history & the nature of my personality disorder. For once I am allowing myself to be happy too, I haven’t made any attempts at self sabotage nor has the thought of doing so crossed my mind. I often struggle when feeling a bit better in myself, I feel I don’t deserve to feel good & I must make myself feel bad again. That’s where the self sabotage comes in. But I think at the moment this happiness is a bit deeper than it usually gets & that’s enabling me to push away the negativity that usually creeps in with my more superficial happiness. I guess it’s not even a case of pushing away the negativity, at the moment it seems there’s a total mental block on negativity & the happiness is destroying the negativity before it even enters my consciousness. The fact there’s no negativity within me at the moment is a very big rarity. I think the degree of this happiness is reinforcing itself by killing the negativity before it gets to my consciousness. The happiness is reinforcing in other ways too. I haven’t self harmed, not even thought about it which makes me feel better within myself. Perhaps the most surprising thing is that i haven’t had an alcoholic drink in over 6 weeks & perhaps even more surprising is that I haven’t even wanted to. I’ve had no desire to drink in a good while now, I’ve not even been tempted by offers of going to the pub or going on nights out with friends. The total avoidance of alcohol has definitely helped reinforce how I feel within myself. I can even acknowledge the fact I have done well in this. But if I were to bring in a slight negativity it would be that the fact the alcohol avoidance has come so easily & I haven’t had to put in any effort to avoid it that perhaps It’s not down to me but the happiness I feel within myself at the moment. I never thought quitting alcohol could Come so easy & it’s a big surprise to me that it has & a testament to how much better I’m feeling within myself at the moment. Another thing that may or may not have helped, it’s hard to know for sure is medication. I started on the quetiapine in February so now there’s been plenty of time for it to get in my system & work. I’m now on a stable dosage of 600mg XL & although its impossible to know for sure it’s my feelings that it has helped. So I managed to climb out of my crisis & things have been good since. The happiness, the no self harm, the no drinking & the medication are all feeding in to & reinforcing each other & the consequence is I feel better than I have done in a long time. I am stable mentally, emotionally & mood wise. I often find stable quite boring after being used to chaos throughout my life, but because I have stable accompanied by a genuine happiness rather than numbness I’m actually enjoying the stable. So yes I’m stable right now & I’m not finding it boring, I’m very happy & content with it. For once I’m enjoying being normal.


A Superficial Happiness

Posted: May 9, 2013 in poetry
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Wrote this poem today. This is how I feel right now. It’s not the best poem I’ve ever written, it’s not even that good really but I just wanted to get some feeling out & in writing

A superficial happiness
May distract me for a while
I can sometimes feel content
& even paint a smile

I can push away the hurt
But not for very long
It rushes back so powerfully
Singing its enticing song

Negativity is me
Badness runs through my core
As months & years go by
The bad gets more & more

A deep emotional pain
Is the essence of my being
It clings to every inch of my soul
& from it there is no fleeing

A self hate so deep
That it skews all my perception
It hurts my heart
To look at my own reflection

A self defeating mentality
My mind seeks to destroy
To break me, to kill me
Is It’s ultimate ploy

Flirting with madnesses
But this is my reality
I know this will never cease
Until it causes my fatality