Posted: March 12, 2013 in BPD, self harm
Tags: ,

So as I was talking on twitter about my scarring I thought I’d write something about it in more detail & include some of the thoughts I earlier mentioned on twitter. I have scars, lots of scars from years of self harming. They are pretty severe but it’s often like they are just part of me & I don’t really take much notice of them. But then they are the times I do notice them & they evoke lots of thoughts & feelings. My initial feeling is often one of sadness at how I could do this to myself? My arms are pretty much a total mess, damaged beyond repair. I feel sad at knowing I have to live my entire life with them, you only get one body in this life & I’ve totally fucked mine up. If I had a lesser degree of scarring then perhaps I would have more of an incentive to stop self harming, that incentive being to avoid the severe scarring. But now I often think what is the point in stopping? My arms are already so damaged & scarred that does it really matter if I make them worse? I often get angry with myself for letting my arms get in such a state because there’s no going back now, like I said I’m stuck with them forever. One life, one body. I wish I had never started self harming but at the same time I couldn’t imagine life without it, it’s become part of me & what I do. It’s become normalised into my way of life. I was 13 when I started self harming & how I wish I could somehow go back & give my 13 year old self a good talking to but also a hug. But most importantly I wish I could inform my 13 year old self of what would become of this self harm business over 10 years later & the permanent & severe damage it would cause. The scarring was never so bad until I was much older. It’s like as the mental stuff got worse the cuts got deeper & the scarring got worse. The harder things got & the more I self harmed the greater the need for more severe self harm. I guess it’s like a drug in that your body becomes accustomed to it & you need more of that drug to get the same effect. In the moment when I get the self harming thoughts it’s like it’s the only option at the time. The need to punish myself & create a release is overpowering. But it’s like the last couple of lines to my recent self harm poem “the scarred one” that “when the blood has dried & gone, forever I’ll remain the scarred one”. It’s not such much the act of self harm that is the problem, it’s the scars that remain after. Yet for some reason I never seem to ask myself the question of whether its worth it? Maybe I should start doing that but like I said earlier is it too late now? I think I mustn’t have any respect for my body in order to do this to myself, to inflict such hurt & damage onto myself. Or maybe it’s just that all the things that are mentally wrong with me outweigh the respect I have for my body. After all self harm is a mental thing that just happens to have the physical consequences. It’s a given fact that there’s obviously something very mentally wrong with me in order to do this to myself. But mental states aren’t permanent but the consequences of those mental states are. I have been cursed with the disorder they call bpd. It effects me in so many ways & in ways which have caused this self harm. Bpd is the only disorder that includes self harm in the diagnostic criteria & I often wish I had some other disorder that didn’t cause all this physical scarring. One that I could hide & keep in my head & one that didn’t leave any physical evidence. I know that self harm is not exclusive to bpd but the chances are that without the bpd I probably wouldn’t self harm. I often don’t hold much hope of getting better & recovering but at least there is a chance to recover from these psychological issues. However there is no chance to recover from the physical manifestation of the psychological problems. Lets say for a moment I do recover, I begin to lead a more normal life & I stop self harming, I’ll still have all the scars. They’ll be a constant reminder of all the things I’ve been through. There’s no escaping the scarring & how do I integrate that with leading a normal life? I don’t want to have to hide my arms away for the rest of my life & although part of me is not ashamed I do however fear being judged on the physical remainders of what was once mental distress. People’s attitudes to self harm aren’t great & 20 years down the line will I still be getting judged in a negative way for something that happened so long ago? These scars make me fear the future so much more. I fear that these scars will hold me back, even if its just in my own head. The relief of a cut is so temporary but the consequence of that cut is so permanent. I do have to live with these scars forever& that is a scary thought. It’s easy to say I should never have started self harming but I did & there is no going back now. I guess I’ll have to learn to live with them, accept them & attempt to see them in a more positive way. People often say not to look at them as a reminder of the bad times but rather more positively such as “look what I’ve survived”.

  1. laurennjade says:

    I relate so much to this. I love your line… “how I wish I could somehow go back & give my 13 year old self a good talking to but also a hug.”
    Just a simple hug can make such a huge difference! Thanks for sharing 🙂

  2. Thank you so much for your openness and honesty. I really appreciate you sharing your experiences. I love your blog and just began following it. I would love to read your newest post but I need a password to get into it. I was confused and not sure if you want your followers to look at it. If so could you share it or the password. Many Blessings

    • brokenmind_ says:

      Hey thanks for your comment. It’s not that I don’t want my followers to read it it’s just I don’t want it public for anyone to read cos it has more personal information In it. I’ll try figure out how I can message you on here as I’ve never contacted anyone privately on here. If not are you on twitter & I can DM you password?

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