Archive for February, 2013

The Scarred One

Posted: February 26, 2013 in BPD, poetry, self harm

A poem I’ve written about self harm

The ScarredOne

I hurt myself today
Sometimes it’s the only way
It’s not because I want to die
To say I do would be a lie
To punish myself I feel the need
So i cut me open & let me bleed
I drag the blade across my skin
An attempt to release the demons within
An open wound fills up with red
A release of all that remains unsaid
Crimson red, a gentle flow
The red it shines, a powerful glow
Enticing, I fixate & my eyes they glare
At the cause of relief from my inner despair
The cut provides relief like no other
But not for long so I do another
And now an addict to this self harm
Hundreds of scars upon my arm
But once the blood has dried & gone
Forever I’ll remain the scarred one



Posted: February 11, 2013 in Uncategorized
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I don’t hold much hope for the future. In an ideal world there are so many things I would love to do but it seems that these things are so unattainable. I feel stuck in a life I so desperately hate but I feel incompetent in taking positive steps towards a future that is more bearable. I feel hopeless & I feel helpless & that makes me scared for the future. What I fear the most is living a wasted life, being trapped in this way of life forever. Never accomplishing anything as I cannot shake the restraints that bound me to this unfulfilled & depressing life. A lot has happened that makes me fearful of taking even the tiniest of steps towards a better future. I feel I am too damaged as a person to ever make something positive of myself. My mind has taken a battering over the years & my confidence has been knocked so much that I’d say its non existent. Of cause I have hopes & dreams & would love nothing more than to achieve them but I am stuck in an hate provoking life & fear is blocking my every exit route. I get so frustrated with myself because I know there are things I should be doing to make a life for myself that is worth living but I get so scared I just push them away & avoid them. There’s constantly a battle going on in my head whether or not I should do these things & it wares me down & in the end it’s just easier to ignore them. That just breeds more of the hate I feel for myself which I guess in turn feeds the notion that I don’t deserve happiness. I feel I’ll never escape the life I have now, I feel I’ll be stuck this way forever. I wish I had hope & I wish I had the strength to change my current situation but I do not. It’s not so easy trying to move forward & I get angry at myself for not trying harder. I do try but perhaps not hard enough. I need strength but from where I will get this strength I do not know. At the moment I am weak & I so very much hate being weak but that is where I’ve found myself. I have never been strong but there was a time when I was much stronger than I am now. Gradually over the years of enduring the battles that take place within I’ve grown weaker & weaker. I don’t know how I am to reverse the process of becoming this helpless & weak individual. If things continue as they are then my biggest fear will become a reality, my life will be wasted. Time is ticking & I am still stuck. At this point in my life I am so drained I feel I’ll never become unstuck. Incapable of ever achieving more than a mere existence. To hope for better seems futile, maybe this is all I’ll ever accomplish, maybe there is no escape, maybe this is the only life I’ll ever have & maybe I should accept that. I want to be able to hope but the reality of my situation steals that hope from within me. This is my life as much as I hate it, maybe I should just accept that things will never be better. Maybe in time I’ll learn to be happy with a mere existence. Maybe the only chance of happiness is to accept things as they are as I seem to be incapable of achieving the means to a fulfilling, content & truly happy life.


Posted: February 1, 2013 in BPD, sadness
Tags: ,

I am unhappy. I would describe that unhappiness as a deep emotional pain. I have the general feeling of sadness but accompanying it is this over powering inner pain. I feel so unhappy within myself, with myself & with my life, it hurts. I don’t see a way out. Yes I am happy at times but essentially there is this unhappiness that I cannot escape from. It always comes back. I don’t think I can ever put a stop to it once & for all as it seems so persistent in its reoccurrence. I do get my brief periods of being happy, well I guess it’s more of an elation than a feeling of being happy but it does come as a welcome relief. Sometimes I can feel really good & I wish that feeling could last forever but it lasts only hours. Even if the unhappiness isn’t particularly over powering & painful like it is at the moment, the feeling of being unhappy is still there. Unhappiness takes over my thoughts, they are negative, hateful & critical. This in turn only seeks to fuel the unhappiness. How do I rid myself of this? How do I feel happy? I’ve been this way for so long I can’t ever imagine it getting better. I want to feel happy within myself, with myself & with my life. My life has always been shit one way or another. Whether its been with the extreme emotionality of an adolescent in school, to the pressures of university making me incredibly unwell, to the being in hospital for 2 years to the being spat out into the world with a mere existence rather than life. Life has always been shit. I know people have it worse but I can’t escape this immense dissatisfaction & unhappiness with life. I am so desperately unhappy not only with my life but myself too. I hate the way I think, feel & act. I hate myself in every way & yes hate is different from unhappiness but the hate creates an unhappiness too. It reinforces the feelings of unhappiness within myself. I guess the feelings of unhappiness within myself, with myself & with my life all feed into one another. Where does the cycle break? Will they continue to grow & expand? I don’t see an end to this. You may think that that is the thoughts of a hopeless depressed mind or is it actually realistic? There’s never been any signs of it getting better. I feel helpless & powerless & I hate that feeling. I’m not sure happiness is something I’ll ever achieve, things are too complex. I think I am too damaged. By what I’m not so sure but perhaps the constant little things have give my mind a battering. To seek the happiness seems futile, I’m perhaps incapable of feeling it & incompetent of living it. I will more than likely be trapped this way until the day I die.