Self Medicating

Posted: January 26, 2013 in BPD, sadness, self medicating
Tags: , , , ,

I wake up, the shitness is still there. As the day continues the feelings & thoughts intensify. My head is messy & I feel emotional pain throughout my body. I become exceptionally needy & desperately hope somebody can make all this go away. Nobody can. Nobody ever will & I have no hope of ever managing to summon the ability to make this go away myself. I try & I fail. I turn to weed. It half helps & it half makes things worse. Before the weed I feel unsafe. I know that one way of trying to put a stop to all this badness is to turn to my razor blades or turn to alcohol. Weed is a safer option. The weed numbs the emotions & relaxes me physically but it intensifies my already speeding mind. The thoughts come in overwhelming waves of negativity & judgement. I get brief periods of anger but at the same time I am stoned & I don’t care. Periods of paranoia sweep over me & i become fearful of the world. i begin to have intense thoughts of being unable to deal with the world around me & the situations i have to face. i just want to live in this moment forever because tomorrow is another day i cannot face. I alternate quickly between intense thoughts of a self critical & self hating nature to ones of extreme amusement at the way in which my life has unfolded. My mind becomes messier, busier & more conflicting & chaotic but at least the emotions are numbed. Throughout all this there is a deep underlying sadness throughout that is clinging tightly to my existence. I think essentially that is what I am trying to kill but it seems indestructible. I sacrifice my mind in order to dull my emotions but the one emotion it refuses to relieve me from is this overpowering sadness. Nobody & nothing can take it away.


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