Archive for January, 2013

It’s on obvious well known fact I hold this deep hate for myself. I’ve felt it for so long it’s hard to remember a time it wasn’t there. As far as my mind will allow me to remember it was triggered on like a switch. However the intensity wasn’t sudden it built up more strongly & intensely as the years went on & the older I got. My theory is that the way in which I acted on my emotions fed this self hatred due to the guilt & embarrassment of my impulsive & more sustained behaviours. This was also intensified by the nature of my mind which thinks & over thinks then thinks some more in an exceptionally judgemental & self critical manner. As the thoughts intensified the hate got stronger & the hate made the thoughts more critical. It is a vicious circle that goes on & on. I still act on these emotions & the hate is still very much there in an in your face presence. My actions now breed a frustration too. As the years have gone on I have become accustomed to these actions & behaviours. Some awareness has undoubtedly been created yet I still feel unable at times to control them. I find it frustrating I am not changing these actions & behaviours as quickly as I like, if I am even changing them at all. I still feel that I am not in control at times. I know I should be but I can’t do it. All reason goes out of the window. I hate the feeling of being out of control which in turn creates more actions & behaviours which strengthen this self hate. The hate is always there, there is no escaping it but it becomes more & less bearable as my mood changes. A negative mood & sometimes I can’t bare to be in my own skin but when more positive it’s just another thing I have to deal with & I can push it away slightly. However essentially it’s always there. I feel like there’s no escape. Everything feeds into each other & the problem becomes complicated. How do I begin to work through it? If I am right then perhaps the first link in the chain is emotions. How do I manage those if I am naturally just that way. I could get into the whole nature nurture debate but I think it generally accepted that BPD is down to both. So naturally I am emotional. How do I go about fixing that if I was born this way? Say I could find a way to manage those, would years of all these hate inducing behaviours have damaged me beyond repair. Is my mind scarred? Have these actions & behaviours become so normalised & ingrained that there really is no hope of changing for the better? And yes I feel more hate for thinking these thoughts.


Self Medicating

Posted: January 26, 2013 in BPD, sadness, self medicating
Tags: , , , ,

I wake up, the shitness is still there. As the day continues the feelings & thoughts intensify. My head is messy & I feel emotional pain throughout my body. I become exceptionally needy & desperately hope somebody can make all this go away. Nobody can. Nobody ever will & I have no hope of ever managing to summon the ability to make this go away myself. I try & I fail. I turn to weed. It half helps & it half makes things worse. Before the weed I feel unsafe. I know that one way of trying to put a stop to all this badness is to turn to my razor blades or turn to alcohol. Weed is a safer option. The weed numbs the emotions & relaxes me physically but it intensifies my already speeding mind. The thoughts come in overwhelming waves of negativity & judgement. I get brief periods of anger but at the same time I am stoned & I don’t care. Periods of paranoia sweep over me & i become fearful of the world. i begin to have intense thoughts of being unable to deal with the world around me & the situations i have to face. i just want to live in this moment forever because tomorrow is another day i cannot face. I alternate quickly between intense thoughts of a self critical & self hating nature to ones of extreme amusement at the way in which my life has unfolded. My mind becomes messier, busier & more conflicting & chaotic but at least the emotions are numbed. Throughout all this there is a deep underlying sadness throughout that is clinging tightly to my existence. I think essentially that is what I am trying to kill but it seems indestructible. I sacrifice my mind in order to dull my emotions but the one emotion it refuses to relieve me from is this overpowering sadness. Nobody & nothing can take it away.


Posted: January 26, 2013 in Uncategorized

I blogged a while back & then stopped. I thought i’d give this blogging another go so i created this new one. Its basically just going to be about my thoughts, feelings and experiences of borderline personality disorder. This is my way of sharing and by that maybe others can relate and feel they are not on their own. But mainly this blog is about me expressing myself, of getting things out of my head and hoping in some way shape or form it can help. whether or not its read by nobody, few or many this is going to be my way of hopefully trying to help myself in a small way.